Sunday, July 29, 2012

Page Turners: A World Without "Call Me Maybe"

A World Without:
“Call Me Maybe”
Caroline Lewis

You’re about to step into a world much different than the one you may be familiar with. It takes place right here on Earth, in fact, and from a bird’s eye view you may think that nothing has changed. So what IS different? Listen a little closely, to the radio that is. Fast beat techno songs play repetitive beats with little-to-no comprehensible lyrics. Rappers sing about cars, sex, and money. But something is missing. Ah, now you hear it. There is no “Call Me Maybe.”
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             Thank you for tuning into XYZ broadcasting. I’m Suzie Singleton, reporting a special announcement. The day is here that you’ve all been waiting for. That’s right, the global ban of the pop hit “Call Me Maybe” has officially began this afternoon. Officials claim the song had to be destroyed after numerous complaints that it was virtually erasing any traces of productivity. Doctors soon created a name for this effect, appropriately titled “Carly Rae Jepsen Syndrome,” in which any person that was exposed to the song immediately abandoned their task, joyfully breaking into song. A series of over-exaggerated hand gestures and head movements were documented to also be a side effect of the syndrome.

Lia Dickason of New Jersey tells XYZ news of her almost fatal experience with the syndrome:

“I was driving my two kids, Sasha and Asheley, to school one morning when the song came on, and I suddenly let go of the wheel to partake in consecutive fist pumps in the air. There was no controlling it. It was as if something inside me was suddenly powerless against this song. I looked in the rearview mirror and my kids were doing the same fist pump I was. Right then and there, I knew something was wrong. Luckily I was able to drive with my knees until the song was over, but that could have definitely turned ugly.”

Thank you, Lia, for sharing that frightening story with us. Reports show that the song also contributed to an increased amount of insane asylum self turn-ins. The ambiguity of the song proved to be too confusing for some people, and even lead to other phrases such as, “Text me maybe,” “Go on a date with me maybe,” and “Pick me up from work maybe.” We interviewed a worker at an asylum in London to have a word with us. Officer Kurtis, are you there?

“Hi Suzie. Yeah, it’s crazy—figuratively, I mean. Some people just can’t handle the amount of uncertainty in that Carly Jepsen song. Some just need a definitive answer—yes or no; ‘maybe’ just holds too much doubt. Got the best of a lot of good people. They literally went nuts not knowing what the other person was asking. So sad. Say, can I say a shout out to my Mum, Sheryl? Hi Mum! Look, I’m on . . . ”

Thank you Officer Kurtis for that valued information. What?  . . . What’s this? Oh, how wonderful! It seems like our skilled street reporter Sam ‘Scoop’ Diggins is amidst a craze on the streets of Rio. What’s happening down there, Sam?

“Hi Suzie. Your hair looks great by the way. I’m here live in Brazil where a massive parade is going on behind me as we speak. And it all centers around a well. A gigantic well in the heart of the city has literally filled up with coins—the product of false hopes and destroyed dreams. Many believed the lyrics of “Call Me Maybe” would help their love lives, thinking that throwing pennies and dimes into a well would get them a sweating, shirtless man that mows a good lawn. However, hundreds were disappointed when their dreams went unanswered after months of waiting. And now it has been released by the city mayor that they will return the money back to the dreamers in celebration of the song’s banishment. And Suzie, I’d love to get a word from one of these crazed fanatics. Miss, excuse me miss, may I have one word with you? What is your name?”

“Katie Dunffie.”

“Ms. Dunffie, how do you feel about today’s events? Did you invest a lot?”

“I damn well did. $42.35 to be exact. And not a single hunk chased me. Total fucking bullshit. I even tried washing my car in a see through white shirt! But still nothing. Just caught a cold. Carly Rae Jepsen is going to pay for this.”

“Well that does it for here, Suzie. It just goes to show you how far many will go for love, or even lust. Back to you.”

Great stuff, Sam. Sounds like Rio needs to invest in some strip clubs if you ask me. As far as the “Call Me Maybe” hit goes, experts are predicting to see a gradual increase in productivity and sanity in the months to come following the song’s exile. When we asked the Canadian sensation if we could conduct an interview with her about the latest events, Carly Rae Jepsen only had one response: maybe. Well one thing is for certain, she is pissed.

I’m Suzie Singleton. Thanks for stopping by at XYZ news.

Creative Writing Columnist, Caroline Lewis:

My name is Caroline Lewis, I am a super-senior at Cal (they just can't get rid of me!), and I am studying Integrative Biology with a minor in Creative Writing. Some might be thinking, "Why, those have absolutely nothing to do with each other" but I love writing fiction, it's my means of escape from the rigorous world of science. I especially love to incorporate humor into my writing; sometimes you have to search for it, but don't worry it's hidden in there somewhere! I hope you enjoy my work as much as I love creating it, and I look forward to working with this great group at Unleashed.

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